The humble Farmer Rants for December 7, 2008 Radio Show

December 7, 2008 Rants

1. Because I am not going to live forever I went in to see my friend, Lawyer Crandall, about updating my will. Crandall said I had to get an executor I could trust with money. And I said, “When it comes to money you can’t trust anybody.” And Lawyer Crandall said, “It’s a good thing that’s true or I’d be out of business.”
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2. You have heard me boast --- perhaps on too many occasions --- that I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of cake or a taste of ice cream for over four years. If you are tired of hearing about my adventure in healthy living, you might sympathize with my wife Marsha who prepares my meals. Yes, unless you count honey from my own bees, I’ve had no sweets now for 51 months and as a result I have lost 15 pounds. I am proud that I can not only tie my shoestrings --- I can stand up after I have finished. Then, this morning during exercise class, another benchmark: for the first time in perhaps 30 years, in order to keep my pants from falling down around my knees I had to take in my ancient leather belt one more notch. When I mentioned it to Marsha, she said, “Your belt is stretching.”
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3. Radio friend Jay down in Topsham who read my comments on working in 1955 writes: “I, too, have started looking at the earliest year that shows up in the little date pop-ups in Web pages. I only sign up when my birth year is available. Otherwise, how will I participate if I don't exist?” Thank you for writing.
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4. A friend of mine, who lives with his two daughters, told his sister that he was looking for someone special. She said, "I don't know why my brother needs somebody special. He's already got his two kids --- he could round out that little group with anybody for a weekend."
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5. Brad Terry was rehearsing for a concert with a group of high school kids, and one trumpet player couldn’t get the intro right on Fascinating Rhythm. So when everyone else had left, Brad worked with this kid for two hours, and finally said, “Well, you’ve got it perfect for the concert tomorrow. And the kid said, “I’m not playing the concert. I only came in to help out with the rehearsal.”
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6. One of my all-time favorite comments came from Mr. Pease, who was my history teacher back when I was an undergraduate at Gorham. On the margin of my essay he wrote: “This is very well written, but you haven’t said anything.” I cherish that remark because almost 50 years ago Mr. Pease saw something that directed the course of my life. Years later when my humor column was carried in dozens of newspapers, I realized that, as Mr. Pease had noticed, I was incapable of original thought but had some small talent when it came to synthesis: that’s a nice way of saying that I was never to be more than an editor for the wit and perception of others. So besides immediately writing down every interesting thing I heard, I also cultivated a coterie of witty friends who filled pages of my notebooks with good things. I adapted these good things for newspapers, the radio, television and the stage. And this is the point of my commentary today. You heard me say that I adapted the comments of my friends. That is, I often had to tweak a story this way or that to get the most out of it. You can be sure that other writers or storytellers have done the same thing for ages. Is this not a sobering point for reflection? No good story is ever quite true. I admit it. I just read that last sentence in a book.
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7. My friend Winky and I were in the men’s room at a fast food place in Rockland, when Winky hollered at me from the stall, “Any paper towels out there?” I said, “No only one of those air drying machines.” He said, “Can I --- can I have your handkerchief?” I felt in my pocket and said, “Bad news, I forgot to bring one this morning. Winky said, “Have you got two fives for a ten?”
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8. You might remember me saying a week or so ago that when you get to be my age it is not uncommon to have an old friend stagger up to you in a store or on the street and croak, “My word. I thought you were dead.” I am resigned to this. Two days ago my wife Marsha went out to answer a knock at the door and then hollered, “It’s an old school friend of yours.” I said, “Well, wheel him in.”
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9. The last time I visited my friend Winky, I noticed that he had a horseshoe nailed over the door in his workshop. I said, “Do you really believe that a horseshoe nailed over the door really brings you luck?” And Winky said, “Of course I don’t believe it. But it brings you luck whether you believe in it or not.”
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10. My friend Winky has an old piano in his living room. The finish on the piano looks like new but I had to ask Winky why the keys were all yellow. Winky said, “The elephant smoked too much.”
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11. My friend Winky bought a mess of hens and told me he was going into the chicken business. I asked him if he knew anything about breeding chickens and he said, “No, but the chickens do.”
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12. St. George, Maine is right infested with artists so I wasn’t surprised to hear that Winky’s daughter had posed nude for an artist all last winter. I asked Winky why in the world he had ever let her do that and he said, “Why not? He had a stove in the studio.”
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13. My friend Winky was all set to check out of the store with a can of coffee when he looked in his wallet and found it to be empty. But when he looked up he saw his neighbor and said, “Loan me $20 so I can buy this can of coffee.” But, as so often happens with many of us when we don’t write things down, Winky forgot to pay his neighbor the $20. --- Until weeks later when his neighbor called him and asked if there was anything he could get for him while he was in town. Winky said, “Yes, buy me a can of coffee and take it out of that 20 I owe ya.”
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14. Here’s your wisdom for today: The journey of a thousand miles starts with going back in the house to look for the keys to your truck.

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See humble tell stories on his web page:

http://thehumblefarmer.com/