The humble Farmer Rants for March 1, 2009 Radio Show

March 1, 2009, Rants

1. Have you noticed that all of a sudden there is a lot of opposition to the most recent bailout? Have you also noticed that it is all coming from the folks who already got theirs?
+
2. You have heard me say many times that my hobby is learning how to read languages. K lastimme --- esta mala el tocadiscos. If you can think of any hobby that costs less to pursue, yet constantly invigorates whatever you are fortunate enough to have for a mind, please let me know what it is. Years of research has taught me that the ideal language learning vehicle is the Harlequin Romance. This is because you can get the same story in 5 or 6 languages, and the language is at the level of what you would find in an elementary school reading book. What you do is memorize the story by reading it constantly in Dutch or French for several years, and then it is easy to figure out in German or Italian. Do you remember my saying that if you write to 10 or 12 women who write Harlequin Romances and ask, many of them will send you one of their stories in 4 or 5 languages? Yes. They will. Sometimes they permit you to pay. Sometimes they simply give you these odd copies. Ann, who has sent me many books, has done so well writing that she is now working as a nurse in Africa. Besides reading, over the years I’ve also listened to half a dozen languages in my car or in the shop or on my bicycle. Because I have not yet moved up to the little ipod thing that fits in the pocket, I tie a nail apron around my neck and put my cd player in that. You know that those cd players look like flying saucers and are about the size of a whoopie pie so they just fit in one side of a nail apron. Anyway, if you know two or three languages or have lived in two or three countries, you know that there are cultural distinctions that are reflected in each language. This was forcefully brought to my attention again this morning while listening to a conversation in Italian. Listen and repeat. Ascolti an repeata: A man knocks on a hotel room door to keep a business appointment with a woman. Before getting down to business they have a drink and exchange a bit of information about their families and home towns. There is another knock at the door. And here is the interesting part. If you are studying one language, it translates into English as, “That must be my husband with the plans.” In another language the woman says, “Oh goodie, now my husband is here, too.” In yet another language, the woman simply says, “Oh my God --- it’s my husband.”
+
3. Everyone knows that the United States has one of the widest rich-poor gaps of any high-income nation today. We also know why it is in the interest of some people, who would like to once again be able to hire an Irish maid for five dollars a week, to see that gap continue to grow. We also read that some prominent economists including Alan Greenspan have warned that the widening rich-poor gap in the U.S. population is a problem that could undermine and destabilize our economy and standard of living. They tell us flat out that "The income gap between the rich and the rest of the US population has become so wide, and is growing so fast, that it might eventually threaten the stability of democratic capitalism itself.” So --- what can anyone do to save our democratic capitalism while bringing our living standards up to that of our friends and relatives in Europe? You recently saw an example of corporate socialism when Bush gave almost a trillion of your tax dollars to some bankers, who went belly up and suddenly decided that democratic capitalism wasn’t working. And when you see the biggest fat-cat bankers in the land turning socialist and begging for your tax dollars, will it be long before working people wonder why they can’t be socialists, too, and beg the government to help them out with health care? Will there come a day in America when a veteran with no legs will not need to be supported by his kindly neighbors and their fund-raising suppers?
+
4. Here’s an interesting letter from a radio friend who says, “In the old soviet union the saying was "we pretend to work and they pretend to pay us." In public interest law the reality is they pretend to pay us but we work for sure…. Here are two cases you will appreciate. They came up in an elder abuse task force meeting the other day. After our last big storm two men solicited an elderly man to shovel snow off his roof. They worked for half an hour and demanded $400. The kicker is they didn't have their own shovels or ladder and they borrowed those items from their victim. Another case - a young woman snatches an elderly woman's purse from her shopping cart and then goes to the service desk to ask them to call a cab for her.” Thank you for that letter. It would appear that there will never be a recession in Maine as long as our young people are on the cutting edge of improvisation.
+
5. One of my friends recently said that she didn’t like Obama because he was in favor of having us register our guns like we do our cars. The way she explained it, if you start registering cars, only criminals will have cars. Or something simple and easy to understand like that. But what does gun control really mean? It seems as I remember that in the movie about Good Will Hunting, something was said about thinking things through to the logical conclusion. If A, then B. And if B, then C. And if C, then D. So by doing A, you are also doing D, although D is so far removed from A that --- well, it’s like knocking over a row of dominos. You can visualize that and you know what I’m talking about. So what would be the result of gun control? It would mean a recording the numbers of every gun and the name of the person who owned that gun. In my neighborhood there are people who have guns who have waited for years for someone to break into their house so they could pull out the shooting iron and, blooey, blow the intruder away. They are the last houses in the neighborhood anyone would want to enter for any reason at 2 in the morning. If there were a list somewhere of everyone who had a gun, it would certainly be stolen by crooks who’d then know which houses you could enter at night without risking ventilation. Have you ever wondered why one political party fights so hard against gun control?
+
6. Here’s a letter from a radio friend that says: “Hi Humble I had never heard of Django Reinhardt before listening to him on your program. I just love his guitar and band so thanks for exposing me to them. I did a search online and found some videos of them on YouTube. I like that Bennie Moten piece, too. Your commentary is entertaining, often informative, has a bit of bite, and tends to make one think. I agree that keeping chickens is smart; maybe some sort of chicken investment program should be included as part of the stimulus package. For years, I have wanted my own hens, but I lived where restrictions prevented livestock ownership. It never occurred to me that city living was the place to be - for chicken raising that is. I did a google search on cats eating dead people. I found one story from October 2008 about a dead woman in Romania being eaten by her 20 cats. I also found an article about soldiers in Iraq seeing cats and dogs eating dead people which caused them to have less than pleasant reactions to the family pets when they returned home. I guess that starving carnivores will eat what they have to even if it means chewing on granny or gramps. Keep up the good work.” Thank you for your letter. I’m humble at humblefarmer dot com and I’d like to hear from you too. Hopefully with a more pleasant subject.
+
7. Thanks to you, I stumbled on a young man out there on youtube named Josh Klein who pointed out that we could train crows to pick up highway litter and put it in a barrel. If I had time I’d do it. I can see how it would backfire, because if some of the kids who live down the road knew what was happening, they’d throw extra trash on my lawn just to see the crows working overtime. By the way, if you don’t really know me and think I’m joking about getting crows to pick up trash by the road and put it in a trash barrel, how much money would you want to bet that I can’t do it? What a great idea --- train crows to pick up roadside trash and put it in a trash barrel. Of course, although it is practical and would be very easy to do, it will never happen. It wouldn’t make somebody a lot of money.
+
8. I was staggered when I saw on the Today show the great deals you could get on houses all across America. They picked 4 or 5 different locations, put up pictures of these houses, and then told us, “This is the great house you can get for only a quarter of a million dollars.” A quarter of a million dollars for a little house with no land? And that is a great deal? $250,000 is 50 times as much as I paid for a house on one acre of land around 40 years ago. I bought a house with one year’s salary. My question to you is, “Are working people earning 50 times as much as they were 40 years ago, or are they working 15 times as long for the same buying power?” $250,000 is more than 25 times as much as I paid for another house with a big barn and over 50 acres of land. At the time I was teaching and was being paid around $5,000 a year. Twenty five times $5,000 is $125,000. Are Maine school teachers being paid $125,000 to $250,000 a year? If they are, they are getting the same salaries that teachers were getting in 1970. Minimum wage in Maine is around $14,000 a year. Six percent interest on your $250,000 house mortgage is $15,000 a year. So anyone on minimum wage couldn’t even pay the interest on that “great deal” quarter of a million dollar house. “Ha, ha,” you say. “I’m not a lowly teacher and I’m not working for minimum wage.” But --- the price of houses is only one index that exemplifies the erosion of salaries in America in just half of my lifetime: If you are presently earning $250,000 a year, you have held your own since 1970. If you earn $125,000 in a year, you worked twice as many hours for that buying power as someone did 40 years ago. If you earn $50,000 a year, you now have to work around 5 times as long to buy a house as you would have 40 years ago. If you are young you might find this hard to believe, but the day President Franklin Roosevelt died in 1945, it was taken for granted that any American who had any kind of job could buy a home. That’s why older working people call the era before Reagan and Bush, “The Good Old Days.”
+
9. Radio friend Mark called our attention to chickens. One reads that Portland has lifted its ban on raising chickens in the city, but --- we read that some people in Camden face fines of $100 to $2500 a day if they don’t get rid of a dozen hens. I don’t have a dozen chickens, but when I was a kid, we did. And now that I think of it, if I had chickens, they, and not crows and seagulls, would eat the food scraps we throw out back. I don’t know if I’d want to raise chickens in an apartment in the city, but wouldn’t you consider anyone who keeps a dozen chickens out back a valuable, thrifty neighbor who is trying to build a stronger America? For quite a few years I have wondered how we would ever survive if they suddenly shut down all the stores. --- Or, if because Bush and his republican friends relaxed the inspection regulations on veggies, as they did on meat and peanut butter, nothing bought in a store would be fit to eat. When I was a kid, there was a bin of potatoes, bottles of pickles, berries, string beans and other vegetables in the cellar. Our chickens provided us with eggs. There must be over 100 empty quart canning jars down in my cellar now. But, although we have a nice garden in the summer, I wasn’t paying attention to my parents and grandparents, so I don’t know how to put up enough food to survive a Maine winter. --- But I’ll bet I could learn by asking any American clever enough to keep chickens in the back yard.
+
10. If every American child spent 4 years at a state college or university, or lived abroad for two years in any capacity but a proselytizer, within a generation one of the political parties in the United States would wither and die. And when I say attend a university, I’m talking about going there to study history or sociology or anthropology. Although you could study math and science for 8 years and make a lot more money when you graduated with your PhD, math or science wouldn’t necessarily give you much of a political education. You might Google “the dumbing down of America” and see what turns up. I did and found one interesting essay in which the writer doesn't use the f word although that is what he is talking about. Eisenhower didn't use the f word, either. You will recall that Eisenhower called it the military-industrial complex.
+
11. Here’s something you might know something about if several members of your family use the same computer. A radio friend writes: “Our son comes into the office and uses the computers pretty much every day, often snacking as he does. I'm thinking of publishing a booklet entitled something like "Meals from the Keyboard", as I have to "defood" the keyboards the following morning on a regular basis!” There’s food for thought.
+
12. When I went into the doctor’s office, the doctor asked me if I had noticed the man who just left. I allowed as how I had seen a man leave but I hadn’t paid too much attention. The doctor said, “That man is 107 years old, and he plays golf every day.” Wow. Isn’t it sad to see a man who is still strong and active at 107 who’s lost his mind?
+
13. When my friend Winky was very young, he went to the senior class prom with a girl who was wearing a low, low-cut off the shoulder dress. And after a while curiosity got the best of him and Winky said, “What is keeping that dress on you?” She said, “Only the onions on your breath.” (Chauncey Depew)

The humble Farmer's Most Subversive Comments of 2008 CD #2

Script for Most Subversive Comments of 2008 CD #2

1. One evening when my friend Winky was reading the newspaper he said to his wife, "Here's a man up in Rangeley who was shot for a moose." And Winky's wife said, "Any man who can be mistaken for a moose is better off dead." (081109)
+
2. Sometimes I see 20 wild turkeys on my back lawn. A friend of mine told me that he has taken several wild turkeys home for dinner. He says that the breasts are good eating but that the drumsticks are so tough they could be used for Marimba mallets. I asked him, “How often do you shoot a turkey?” He said, “Until he falls down.” (081123)
+
3. Children speak the truth. I can remember sitting in the back of a fifth grade classroom while Paul Strout, who was probably 11 years old, stood at the blackboard and did an imitation of me, the teacher. He had everything down --- my mannerisms --- my speech. The stage lost a consummate master when Paul decided to work instead. Adults who speak the truth are likely to be avoided in good company. You will remember one of Agatha Christie’s adult characters who spoke the truth. Everyone was terrified to be in the same room with her. She was eventually murdered, which was probably just as well. Mastering the art of circumlocution is a rite of passage for children. Those who can do it, are accepted into adult society. Those who do it well, write books. Our topic came to my attention on a tour last week when our guide raised a hand without a thumb and asked if anyone had a question. A small boy said, “I see that you have an unfriendly dog.” (080803)
+
4. Two lobster catchers from Down East were talking: “If I were to have an affair with your wife and she had my baby, would we be related?” “No, but we’d be even.” (081012)
+
5. The Common Ground Fair is the most impressive gathering of people to be held in the state of Maine. They have this Common Ground Fair every year, the last weekend in September, and I’m always there. My favorite event is the sheep dog demonstration. They put these little dogs out in a field with a dozen sheep and when the dog’s trainer whistles, these dogs jump up and herd the sheep into a pen. Every organization in Maine that might be in favor of some positive political or social change is represented at the Common Ground Fair. My friend David Bright said that the most shocking thing he saw there in three days was the endangered species booth. David went over to check it out and there was no one there. (080921) USE ON COVER
+
6. My friend John told me that he was standing around outside chatting with a woman when he chanced to look at the scratches in the ledge underfoot and said, “Look where the glacier went through here.” And the woman said, “Recently?” And of course John said, “No, years ago.” And the woman said, “Well, I wouldn’t know. I live over in Friendship.” (081123)
+
7. I went down to Monhegan where I did a benefit show for the Wharf, which needs repair. The only way you can get to Monhegan if you don’t have a helicopter is to swim ashore and crawl up over the rocks or bring your boat in to the wharf or dock. Call it what you will, the dock is important to the people who live on Monhegan. I use the dock myself when I go out there, which tells you two things about me, doesn’t it? I don’t have a helicopter and I do not choose to swim ashore and crawl up over the rocks. Chris Rollins lives on Monhegan. Ten or 11 generations of his ancestors are buried up on the hill so you have to assume he feels very much at home out there. I’ve known Chris for several years, but just met his wife, who, through the eyes of this 72-year-old man, is a pretty young thing from away. Chris met her on Monhegan when she was 18, but Chris says that after that she had two husbands before he married her. I was surprised to hear that such an attractive and well-spoken woman was already on her third marriage and suggested to Chris that perhaps she had made some poor choices. And he said, “Nah, I think she just takes what comes along.” (080803
+
8. No matter where you live, you are proud of your town and the things that your town is famous for. Here on the coast of Maine when you go into a restaurant, the best seats are those overlooking the harbor and all the lobster boats. When I visited my brother-in-law Steve who runs a gambling casino in Colorado, the hostess in the casino restaurant very proudly seated me by the window so I could look out and see the Brink’s truck. (080914)
+
9. My wife’s brother Steve runs a gambling casino in Colorado. The last time I visited him I noticed that his office was only one of many small offices. He doesn’t have a big office. So I asked him if he really were the boss, and he said, “You sit down in a room with five women and say that you’re the boss and see how far that goes.” (080914)
+
10. You can get great books for a quarter at lawnsales. The best books are found when someone has died and the heirs are simply trying to clean out the house. They have no idea of what the books are or the interesting things you can find in them. Here is a comment from one I just got called The Little Brown Book of Anecdotes. On page 76, one reads, “Victor Biaka-Boda, who represented the Ivory Coast in the French Senate, set off on a tour of the hinterlands in January 1950 to let the people know where he stood on the issues, and to understand their concerns --- one of which was apparently the food supply. His constituents ate him.” (081130)
+
11. The wheel was invented when man needed to transport material over a great distance. Fire was first utilized when man moved north out of Africa and needed to keep warm at night. Bills or invoices evolved when Maine inn keepers started charging so much that they couldn’t look the customer in the eye when it came time to squaring accounts. (080928)
+
12. My friend Julian is a connoisseur of fine men’s clothing. He buys shirts and pants from specialty houses that cater to the upscale outdoor crowd. It is my understanding that some of that clothing is so durable that it will stand alone. One man put a canvas jacket in his driveway and drove over it all summer to soften it up just so he could wear it. (081123)
+
13. Have you ever seen something on the evening news that made you wonder if we will ever create a civilized society? Let me give you an example. Tonight on the evening news they showed a woman in the Philippines who had 8 hungry little children. There wasn’t enough rice to go around. The focus of the program was: What can we do to produce more food? (081130)
+
14. I just saw a commercial on television that said that my brain might be undernourished. Then, to drive home the argument, it gave a printed quote on the screen from some medical association that said that the problem was ubiquitous. And after ubiquitous it had the word widespread in brackets. I suppose they defined ubiquitous just in case anyone with an undernourished brain were watching. (081019)
+
15. Every week they have a husband's marriage seminar out to our grange. At the session last week, the councilor asked Winky’s father, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to tell everyone how he had managed to stay happily married to the same woman for 50 years. Winky’s father said, "Well, the best thing I ever did was take her out to Monhegan Island for our first wedding anniversary. You know, for our 50th anniversary I think I’ll go out there and bring her back." (081012)
+
16. We have a bed and breakfast. And on top of that we have many friends. It is not unusual to see ten or more people eating at our table at any given time. So we find more than our share of things scattered about the house that people have left behind. Today I am dealing with Sally Tuttle’s shirt or light jacket which she left draped over a dining room chair. Because it says, “Made in the USA” on the label, I think I’ll keep it as a curiosity. (080817)
+
17. Are computers more efficient than people? Thank back to Y2K. For years we were told that when the year 2000 came in, a computer failure called Y2K was going to shut down banks and railroads and big companies and bring the country to its knees. But the computers didn’t fail and the year 2000 was ushered in with our country still standing strong and proud. It took the republicans almost 8 years of concentrated effort to do what computers and Y2K was expected to do in a millisecond. (081123)
+
18. You know that for many years I have studied the life and times of Hitler. But I just learned that two years after many of Hitler’s top generals knew the war could not be won, they continued to paint rosy “progress” pictures. To admit that the war was a lost cause would mean they’d be replaced or demoted. Can you believe that even though their leader also knew that he couldn’t win the war, he wasted his country’s lives and resources for two more years? Yes, perhaps you can believe that. (081026)
+
19. Over the past few months I’ve been seeing a specialist for the coughing problem I’m having with my lungs. Unlike my regular doctor, I don’t know anything about this doctor. I don’t know if he has children, if he is married, where he lives, I know nothing. But when I left his office one day in October, he asked me how I thought the election was going to go. I didn’t say a thing. I kind of shrugged my shoulders and slipped out the door. Because --- well, you think about it. Would you discuss politics with a person you don’t know who has a license to inject substances into your body?
+
20. No matter what you do for a living, there are certain questions that you hear over and over so many times that you finally develop a standard answer for it. My cousin Truman Hilt is an antique dealer and when people come into his store and ask, “Hey, do you buy antiques?” he always says, “I have to --- I can’t steal enough to stay in business. My brother-in-law Steve runs a gambling casino in Colorado and when people come in and ask him, “Hey, what’s a good machine?” he always says, “The ATM. You can’t lose.” (080914)
+
21. Our celebrity friends on television recently reported that some doctors give patients placebos. Patients might feel better, even though the pill does nothing, because they think that they are receiving treatment for whatever ails them. Doctors know that a positive and cheerful attitude is conducive to healing. Laughter heals. But the question seems to be, “Is it right, or even legal, for doctors to play with the minds of their patients?” Then you change channels and see a huge auditorium, crowded with people, who believe that the man on stage can heal with his hands. (081026)
+
22. You might have read in the paper that during a typical deer season in Michigan, about a dozen hunters die with heart attacks. That little furry head sticks itself up out of the brush, and these grown men get so excited that they drop right over. Shock from the unexpected can kill. Think of all the teachers who would probably drop dead, if that certain student ever cleaned out the rat's nest in his desk and handed in a paper that didn't look as if he'd blown his nose on it. Yes, the shock from the unexpected can kill, which is why I don't dare risk coming to supper the first time my wife calls me. (080928)
+
23. Scientists have discovered that chewing gum helps you remember. The experts found that of the people tested, 35% who were given gum to chew found it easier to remember words. They hypothesized that it might be because chewing increases the speed of your heartbeat, so more oxygen is pumped round your body. Or it could be because chewing gum helps your body make insulin because it thinks food is coming. Even more plausible is the fact that because many of us can’t walk and chew gum at the same time the chewing keeps our mind from wandering and forces us to focus our attention on whatever it is we are trying to remember. (081026)
+
24. I can remember reading a book called 1984 years and years before 1984. 1984 is one of those hit-the-nail-on-the-head books that anyone who even pretends to be educated should read every 5 years or so. If you read 1984 way back in the 50s or 60s you might have also wondered if in 1984 we really were going to be living in a society where the state spied on you and where continual war was the norm. But 1984 came and went and in 1984 there wasn’t continual war and the state wasn’t spying on you. That was because George Bush was not yet in office.
+
25. Americans think differently than Europeans do. When I was a boy --- back around 1939-1940 --- a crazy man started a war which destroyed his own country, and not only did he have to answer for that war --- the people who supported him were also considered culpable. They had to stand in shame before a world court for giving their leader the votes or legislation or support that enabled him to bring their homes and economy down around their ears. But here in the United States we don’t see things that way. Here, many of a discredited leader’s most ardent supporters are returned to state legislatures and Congress. (081102)
+
26. Radio friend John Doucette over in Nova Scotia sends us this news item about a mechanical gorilla that was stolen from outside a store in Machias, Maine. The mechanical gorilla turned up in a cornfield in Swanton, Vt. According to this news article, Ken Booth, who made the thing, helped them find it by posting a YouTube video offering a reward for the gorilla’s return. Then --- another video turned up on YouTube, showing a hooded person demanding a $1 million ransom. You know, I probably wouldn’t believe a story like this, had I not just finished watching the Republican National Convention. (080914)
+
27. When I was five or six years old, way back before the Indians cornered the gambling market in Maine, most anybody could set up a slot machine. Alvah Harris had a slot machine in his garage in Tenants Harbor. One day my grandfather Skoglund gave me a nickel to put in that slot machine and I got back thirty-five cents. That was back around 1941 and to the best of my knowledge, since that day I have never put money in a slot machine. When I mentioned this to my brother-in-law Steve who runs a gambling casino in Colorado, he wanted to put my picture in his front window with a sign underneath that said, “This man has a lifetime profit of 700 percent from playing slot machines.” (080914)
+
28. My friend Doreen tells me that once upon a time there was a religious commune. It was a friendly commune and everyone got along very well. But one day tragedy struck. A young man fell and hit his head so hard that he didn’t wake up that day. Nor did he wake up the following day. The members of the commune prayed for the young man and every day two or three people stood by his bed singing hymns --- all day long. Then, one day, after 16 weeks, a miracle. The young man opened his eyes and he looked at the people standing by his bed --- and he raised his hand and they could see that he was going to speak. And he said, “Please turn off the music.” (080914)
+
29. My wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, left off scrubbing and polishing for two days and went down to Connecticut last weekend for her 40th high school reunion. I took advantage of her absence to put two supers full of honey on the dining room table and to set up the honey extractor in the kitchen. When you extract honey, you cut the wax cap off the little honey cells. If the caps are too shallow in the frame to be cut off, you have to scratch them off with a tiny steel rake. And no matter how carefully you cut off or scratch off the caps, you do some damage to the cells. Fortunately, I knew that when I put those frames back in the hives, the neurotic-compulsive bees wouldn’t rest until they’d cleaned up my mess and made everything as good as new. Which is why I also didn’t worry too much about the mess I made in the kitchen. (081005)
+
30. A man I respect recently called my attention to the inevitability of plastic cars. I might mention that this man is in the business of improving plastic computer chips, so his thinking is even a bit beyond that which the layman might consider to be the cutting edge of science and technology. This scientist told me that cars made out of plastic would be as strong as steel. Plastic would not rust out. Plastic, being lighter than steel, would require less energy to move from place to place. If you Google plastic cars you will read that this lightweight car could be powered by electricity or solar energy. Oil is a finite resource. Every last drop of it will have been pumped from the earth in 40 or so years, and there will soon be a day of reckoning when the electric powered plastic car will be the only vehicle on the road. Can you guess why our American corporate giants are putting off this inevitable transition?
+
31. Please listen closely because I’m about to say something that might make your life easier. You know that I could never afford to have children. But when I married the widow Marsha VanZandbergen she had two daughters. And now my wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, has three grandchildren. The oldest one was six this week, and although they live in Fort Kent way up by the Canadian border, they drove five hours to get here because the child wanted to celebrate her birthday here with us. I was out in the barn working on my hot water solar collectors during the party, but looked up often enough to notice that the dooryard was full of cars. You know how gobs of cake and partially masticated cookies get ground into the floor at these things, so you can believe that I rushed right in to vacuum up the mess as soon as they were gone. And here is the tip that could save you a lot of bother: At this party --- not one crumb on the floor. Someone had brought a dog. (081102)
+
32. If you're on the Internet, you know about junk email. Someone is always mailing you a scheme that will make you rich in two weeks. Another common piece of junk mail asks if you are interested in his or her background. They claim to be able to find your old friends, lost loved ones, dead beat parents, or your debtor's assets. They claim to be able to find safe deposit boxes, social security death records, non-published numbers and driver's license records. They will search vehicle records and pre-trial comprehensive reports. They will verify education, employment and professional licenses. One of the most curious things about this service, is that although they claim to be able to find out anything you want to know about anyone else, they also claim to be able to change your records so that people can only find out good things about you. (080803)
+
33. Who do you think cries out for new schools? Can you honestly think that there are a few concerned citizens who have nothing to do except think about what we as a society can do to give our children a better education? If you do think about it, you know that any move to consolidate schools is driven by big money. There is money in constructing buildings. Which, by the way, is why you’ll see big construction money also buying ads on television to bring in casinos. They don’t care if the casino destroys your town and impoverishes your immediate area. They just want to build the thing. Anyway, wouldn’t you think that the officials in the state legislatures who are on the education committees would be people with actual experience in the classroom? Would it surprise to you discover that the people who purport to be serving the educational needs of our children are actually looking out for the business community? Money rules. (081019)
+
34. In September I took 8 quarts of honey from my bees. Yes. I stole from my workers. First time in my life I ever felt like a republican. (081005)
+
35. My wife Marsha has 47 first cousins and one of them was here last week. She said they had an exchange student in their home for two weeks. Of course, they asked for one who didn't smoke. He was a French kid from Zieer and they picked him because his picture looked so sweet, and they figured he'd be less worldly than a French kid from France. But when he arrived he showed them some nude pictures of himself and told them that his father and grandfather had taken him to a brothel to get him drunk on his sixteenth birthday. Of course, you go down way east on the coast of Maine and that kind of party wouldn't be necessary. But then they found a heap of cigarette butts underneath this kid's bedroom window. I'll bet he'll think twice before he lies on his application again, because they really punished him. They made him drive a car in Boston. (080727)
+
36. You have read 1984 and you are familiar with the concept of “doublethink.” Doublethink is the ability to hold two completely contradictory beliefs in your mind simultaneously, and accept both of them. An example of doublethink is the political ads that one sees on television before an election. Senators, who have always voted with corporate America and against the people they are supposed to represent --- Senators who have been no more than a rubber stamp for the President’s illegal war and tax breaks for the super rich, run warm, fuzzy ads on television. Although uneducated poor people without health insurance and no way to pay their heating bills this winter know that their Senator has voted against them for years, enough exposure to these warm, fuzzy ads just before the election convinced many that their Senator is also working for them. The television ads you see before an election could easily have come out of the Ministry of Love where people learn to believe that two plus two are five. (081026)
+
37. Funerals have changed. Back in the good old days when a man died, his friends sat around drinking for a few days before ravishing his favorite slave girl, and setting him off to sea in a burning boat. When I was young, funerals were solemn affairs. You sat up straight in a black suit and black tie and black shoes and black socks and you didn’t dare breathe. But now those in attendance are asked to come forward and “share.” I don’t know about you, but this “share” business grates on my sensibilities. You aren’t asked to stand up and say something. You are asked to “share.” It is my belief that this kind of wimpy language is moving in from California and you can correct me if you think otherwise. Of course, I’m old and old people are always uncomfortable when they are asked to give up their old ways. Nowadays at funerals we see children and grandchildren who stand in front of the assembly and cry as they read a carefully prepared piece. I suppose it is even worse for people who can hear what it is they’re saying. (081102)
+
38. It is not uncommon to go out in the woods in the town of St. George, Maine and see a little wooden platform twenty feet up in a tree. I think they call this a tree stand. My friends who are hunters climb up the tree and sit or stand on this tiny wooden platform, sometimes for hours, until an animal comes close enough for them to shoot it. By that time, the hunter is so stiff from just sitting that he can barely climb down the tree. This is why there is hardly a hunter alive who has used one of these tree stands who has not fallen off the thing and dropped kerplunk on the ground. Perhaps you have chanced upon those Wipeout television programs where people crash snowmobiles and skateboards and water skis. But if you have never seen a hunter fall out of a tree stand you realize that Maine’s number one sport has been denied valuable promotional coverage. Are not producers of Wipeout shows remiss in not adding footage of falling Maine hunters to prime time television? (081123)
+
39. You probably heard that some militants over there on the other side of the pond captured some Humvees. Big mistake. A week later they had to capture an oil tanker. (081123)
+
40. Uncle Jack lives on a piece of sand called Nags Head. Uncle Jack says that a recreational diversion at Nags Head is watching the sand around the brand new house next to yours wash away. Of course the water washes away the brand new house, too, and when the sun comes out after the storm there is nothing blocking your panoramic view of the sea. If you are truly innocent, you might ask why people are permitted to build houses on sand that is certain to be washed away. If you have been around as long as Uncle Jack and The humble Farmer, you know that the realtors and developers sit on all of the zoning and planning boards so they can do anything they want. Why should a realtor care if a new house with five bathrooms washes away after they have sold it? It’s all about quick and easy money. Uncle Jack says that a big construction company with connections wheedled eight million out of an agency called FEMA to put up a protective sand berm 30 feet wide and 12 feet high. One end of it washed out before they had finished the other end. It’s all about money.
+
41. There are those of us who trust in science and there are people who don’t. Even back before there was such a thing as science, people wanted answers. And because human nature doesn’t change, ten thousand years ago, people asked themselves the same questions that we ask today. You can well believe that one of the first questions that came to a philosopher’s mind was, why am I here? How did life start on earth? Because people needed answers to these questions, they invented Zeus and Ra and anyone who might have had a different slant on things was hung up by the thumbs. Of course, Zeus and Ra now have more adherents than ever and probably never will be superseded by science. Another question that delves even deeper into the innermost recesses of the human psyche has been asked by your rude mechanicals since the dawn of civilization. If you have ever stood by a bench in any kind of repair shop or office you’ve wondered how it happens, too. No matter how many tables or flat working surfaces you bring into your work area, they immediately get covered with clutter.
+
42. You’ve heard me say that I read the Encyclopedia Britannica every day. There must be 30 or so volumes on the shelf by the bathroom door and I just pull out one at random, open it at random, and read for ten minutes at random. The name Karl Follen recently turned up. His activity for civic freedom in Germany kept him from teaching at German universities so in 1824 he came to the United States where he became Harvard’s first professor of German language and literature. While at Harvard Professor Follen was instrumental in establishing the first US college gymnasium. But, in 1835 his appointment as a professor at Harvard was not renewed, probably because he spoke out against slavery. You can understand this because you know what happened to me when I spoke out against fascism. It took a few more years and a Civil War before we were ready to give up slavery. Our 2008 presidential election will probably be considered a turning point as critical as the Civil War: --- it certainly indicated that the people in this country were getting tired of fascism. (080914)
+
43. Little public service message here. You have heard me say that I’m putting in solar collectors and a solar hot water heater. Now, Aaron, my son–in-law, says I should put in a windmill that generates electricity, because it is cheaper and more efficient than the solar collectors. So I’m now investigating the cost of installing a windmill to generate electricity on my farm. But, and this is the important part --- Aaron also went on line and brought up a web page that told how much electricity each refrigerator takes. Aaron said that it was silly to generate all kinds of electricity from the wind and the sun when I could cut down on the amount of electricity I need by buying a better refrigerator and other more efficient appliances. I didn’t know that one brand of refrigerator might use ten times as much electricity as another model. Go on line, find out which refrigerator uses the least electricity, crunch the numbers, and you might find that a new refrigerator would pay for itself in two or three years just by the amount of electricity you save. I can tell you about this now without shame because times have changed and we live in a new era. If I’d told you about this thirty years ago, you’d accused me of being a hippie. (081102)
+
44. This morning I Googled “how to adjust the pressure switch on a water pump.” We have a new water pump and for several days I’ve heard increasingly louder complaints from management that there is not enough water pressure. I know that there are two little nuts on the water pump switch. In years gone by I’ve twisted both of them at random until the pressure was where I wanted it. But times have changed. Nowadays I can find out anything I want to know about anything or anybody --- in a matter of seconds --- right at my desk. I Googled, “how to adjust the pressure switch on a water pump” and two minutes later trotted down cellar, fully informed, and tightened up the big nut. Yes, times have changed since I walked to our one room school. Imagine walking to that friendly neighborhood school today and sitting down before a computer screen with the world at your fingertips. A few parents have already figured out that there is no longer any need to bus children out of town to an expensive consolidated school where they can sit down at a computer screen. Every day more and more parents realize that a computer screen can be set up anywhere, and before long you will once again see children walking to a small local school.
+
45. You have heard of compartmentalized thinking and that is my topic now. When I got out of college I bought a completely furnished house with a garage on an acre of land for $5,000. A year or two later I bought another house with an attached barn on an acre of land for $3500. Back in those days a Maine schoolteacher could buy a house with one year’s salary. Today a Maine schoolteacher would have to work around five years to buy those very same houses, which are now 40 years older and should have depreciated. I can’t tell you how it happened, but the salaries of working people in the United States have been seriously eroded. You might have heard old people wonder aloud how a young couple could even think about buying a house nowadays. But then --- you turn on your television and see that there is a crisis in America: the value of houses has dropped umpty ump percent. In other words, if the value of houses continues to drop, they might get back down to where they relatively were 40 years ago and teachers right out of college might once again be able to buy a house with their first year’s salary. You tell me --- is this good, or is it bad?
+
46. Post office employees are about the only people who know how to talk on the telephone. When you call the post office, someone will pick up the phone and tell you who they are. When I answer the phone I also identify myself. I say, “Robert Skoglund, sorry to keep you waiting.” Then, instead of telling me who they are and what they want so we can have a conversation, the mysterious caller on the other end will say something like, “Hello Robert. Is that you?” That brings us back to the beginning, so I’ll repeat what I said, “Robert Skoglund, sorry to keep you waiting.” I’m polite about it. I don’t say, “You called Robert Skoglund. I answered and told you that I am Robert Skoglund. What is it about this conversation that you don’t understand? Now -- I’m trying to be calm while I’m telling you about this although it annoys me terribly --- and you’re in impartial observer, so let me ask you. They are calling Robert Skoglund. I have already mentioned my name twice, but they’ll ask again, “Hello, hello. Robert, is that you?” Are people idiots? Why this, “hello, hello. Is that you Robert?” I want to cry, but I control myself and never reply with “No, I’m Spiderman. Who do you think answers the telephone in my house?” Why can’t people simply tell me who they are and what they want so we can get down to business? I’m Robert Skoglund in Tenants Harbor, Maine, sorry to keep you waiting.
+
47. I had never heard of patchouli soap until last September when someone up in Unity told me about it. I might change that to say that although I might have smelled patchouli soap many times, as far as I know I have never heard of patchouli soap until a radio friend named Robert told me that a bar of patchouli soap got him stopped by customs at the border. When he rolled down the car window and the officer got one whiff of what was inside, he ordered Robert to pull aside. The customs officer said he knew Robert had marijuana in the car so he might just as well tell them where it was. Robert denied it so they pulled everything out of his car and combed through everything until Robert remembered that he had a bar of patchouli soap in the glove compartment. I don’t recall why he had it or what he was going to do with it, but if you Google patchouli soap you will learn that marijuana smokers keep it around because it masks the smell of marijuana. Here’s what turned up on line when I Googled patchouli soap: “An oil worn as perfume by dirty hippies in lieu of showering or bathing in any way. Used to mask the scent of marijuana and week old body odor, but usually it merely mixes with the scent to form a new, BO/Patchouli combo that can repulse even those who are olfactorally challenged.” So --- the next time you smell it, at least you’ll know what it is. (080921)
+
48. Have you ever met an old neighbor in a store or on the street who extended a withered hand and said, “My word. I thought you were dead.” If it hasn’t happened to you yet someday it will so please listen closely. Every day I record a bit of innocuous social commentary and email it to Public Radio Exchange. PRX, as it is called, might be described as a huge warehouse filled with bits and pieces of radio programs. Young wanna-be producers as well as grizzled used to be producers write and record pieces we hope intelligent people will find interesting and deposit them electronically in this warehouse called PRX. We hope that an enlightened Public Radio program manager might someday actually listen to one of our pieces and deem it worthy of broadcast. Well, there is a new PRX and I was updating my profile on the appropriate PRX web page. While posting my work experience, which was with the Treasury Department between the years of 1955 and 1957, I clicked on the little year box that you are so familiar with and saw that it only went back to 1968. Yes. If you were working in 1955, the kids who are now creating web pages have no idea that you’re still alive. Better get used to it. (081207)
+
49. Whom do you hate today? When I was a kid, a grandmother who lived not too far from me was upset when her grandson married a Finn. When we went to war against the Japs and Germans, things changed and we didn’t worry if grandchildren married Swedes or Finns. You might even be old enough to remember when the fear and hatred we had of the Japs and Germans was shifted over onto the Communists. I was already out of high school when just saying that someone was a communist was enough to put them out of business. Then we started doing business with the communists and we couldn’t get enough good things from these people who magically became our friends --- just as the Japs and Germans had done when I was a kid. You should know that I was too young to shoot Chinese communists in Korea and too old when we found an excuse to shoot them in Viet Nam, which, by the way, did fulfill its intended purpose of making a few people very rich. You might have recently been getting redneck email urging you to hate Muslims. If you’ve lived long enough and have a good memory, you realize that it isn’t really important whom you hate and fear as long as you hate and fear someone. Hate and fear are good for big business. And --- if you’re old enough, or if you have read any history, you know that you can pretty well tell who is running things in any given country by what you are allowed to say about whom. During the Bush administration it was difficult for some Americans to find work if they had recently spoken out against fascism. (081005)
+
50. In the fall of 2008 a friend of mine who is an employee of the US Forest Service, had to sign a “loyalty pledge” to defend the Constitution from all enemies foreign and domestic. He says that only the Secret Service keeps him from doing what he has sworn to do. (080817)
+
51. Back in the 1920s and 1930s you’d hear people say, “He’s coo coo.” Coo coo is an old term that meant that people or things were about as crazy as they could get. Coo coo came to mind today when I heard someone on television mention the war on terror. The war on terror. We are being told that we are waging a war on terror but you really have to be capable of some mental gymnastics to believe that we are waging a War On Terror. See if you can hang here with me as I walk you through it. A while back, some fanatics from Saudi Arabia crashed an airplane in New York City. Immediately, people all over the world who might not have even liked the United States for one reason or another, felt bad for the United States, because these crazy men from Saudi Arabia had killed a lot of innocent people in New York City. But --- soon afterwards, ostensibly to get revenge on this handful of crazy men from Saudi Arabia, the United States attacked a country called Iraq and all that good will we had earned by being the injured party was wiped away. But, before we could attack Iraq, our propaganda machine had to turn things around. We couldn’t call the men who crashed the plane Saudis because we were attacking Iraq. So we had to call them terrorists instead and just hope that Americans who couldn’t read wouldn’t notice the difference. And when you think about it, all those guys over there have brown faces and wear funny looking hats, so one is probably just as bad as another. So it really doesn’t matter if you are blowing up people in Iraq or Afghanistan or Pakistan or India because you are fighting people you call terrorists. The bad news for poor working people is that although there might have only been a handful of these crazy terrorists back on 9-11, every time an American bomb accidentally killed someone, every one of the dead person’s brothers and children and cousins and friends all of a sudden had a very good reason to hate Americans. So every day the American war machine ensures that we will have a never ending war by creating more people that can be called terrorists. This is a great improvement over the old days when we could declare war on Japan or Germany, because back then when the Japs and Germans were pounded into the ground the war stopped. But our military industrial war machine has smartened up a lot over the past 60 years so now they don’t go after Saudis or Germans --- they go after terrorists because a war against terror is a self-sustaining war that can go on forever against an endless and faceless enemy. And because a few very rich people are getting richer by running so-called security and war related industries, you might suspect that it is going to be very difficult to stop this thing they call the war on terror because a war on terror knows no national boundaries. Our American war machine can stagger about like a blind 800 pound gorilla and wipe out people anywhere. What got me started on this so-called War On Terror, anyway? Oh yeah, we were talking about that old term coo coo. Coo coo means that things are just about as crazy as they can get. (080914)

The humble Farmer Rants for February 1, 2009 Radio Show

February 1, 2009 Rants

1. When many men hear talk about a six pack of firm abs, they reach down and lovingly pat one firm ab caused by too many six packs. Although we don’t want take sides, you might know that anyone who has raised children or chickens will tell you that one of anything is easier to manage.
+
2. There is a thing coming up called Superbowl. It has to do with a football game. You might have also learned about the Superbowl on the evening news. We are told that for their own protection attendees will be patted down by security before going into the stadium. We are told that they will also be protected by policemen in helicopters in the sky and policemen in boats and policemen on foot and horseback. You might have read more than a little about what was done to protect German citizens between the years of 1933 and 1945, so you will probably not be surprised when someday soon, for your own protection, you are stopped on the street and asked if your papers are in order.
+
3. I’ve seen a rubber band, I’ve seen a peanut stand, I’ve seen a needle wink its eye…. For a week now we’ve heard that all the salmonella came from one peanut plant in Georgia. Last night, while actually paying attention to the news, it suddenly dawned on me that the salmonella came from one building in which peanuts were processed and not one peanut plant. It took me several days get that one. When I told my 94-year-old friend, Doris who was raised on a farm, that I hadn’t understood “plant” in this context, she said she also though it was one peanut plant. I blame the scriptwriter who was apparently availing the advantages of articulating alliteration. I’m Rapid Robert and I reside on a rhubarb ranch.
+
4. You might recall my saying last week that Doris, who is 94, told me that she was so happy when her father put electricity in the house because it meant she no longer had to wash the lamp chimneys. Radio friend John in Falmouth writes that the story reminded him of his grandmother, Leslie Foote Barrows, who was one of the first pioneers in the Judith Basin in Montana. When interviewed by a newspaper in San Diego back around 1928, she mentioned their first make and break gasoline powered water pump. When asked if the noise bothered her, she said, "Only when it stopped.”
+
5. An email that arrived today reminds me that I am fortunate to have many friends with diverse backgrounds. This gives me a social advantage over people who, day in and day out, only see folks with graduate degrees from prestigious universities. How many of them, do you suppose, ever get an email from a friend who gives thanks that black folks were evacuated from Africa in slave ships so they could be introduced to Christian salvation?
+
6. Addiction is a terrible thing. I have had no coffee for a week and I know this. Anyone who has to look at their email before their eyes are even open in the morning also knows this. Even more insidious is Facebook, which I ignored until it completely overpowered me. Being an educator, this morning I posted a synopsis of An Enemy of The People on my Facebook page --- just in case a couple of my friends were unfamiliar with it. Reading things like An Enemy of the People is part of one’s education. Even if it doesn’t change the way one votes, it might activate some unused thought process that will enable one to finally understand the power of dirty money. And even better than the opportunity to pass along interesting things to one’s friends, are the interesting messages that appear on Facebook from one’s friends. Wilder Oakes very astutely compares it with getting messages from a trance medium or an Ouija board.
+
7. I have lived in Europe. If you have lived outside of the United States, you know that in many parts of the world Americans are seen as people who always have something bigger and better. Even yesterday, I reinforced this unfortunate stereotype of the Ugly American. My friend Boon, who lives on the outskirts of Groningen, sent me his picture. In his arms was his day-old grandchild. I replied, “That’s only one --- here in America we have 8 at a time.”
+
9. This morning, when I came out of the bathroom, my wife Marsha said, “You were in there talking about what you were going to do today. I think you’re going crazy.” This was a surprise to me. I didn’t realize that I talked out loud to myself. But, as the day went on, I realized that when I was alone I talked out loud to myself all the time. Listening to myself for the first time, I was also somewhat shocked to hear myself employing lexical items that I never use with anyone but must have acquired 20 or 30 years ago while listening to the Nixon tapes. So --- because I don’t want people to think I’m crazy, I’m going to have to get a dog. People who talk to animals are considered normal.
+
10. Because I stand on stages and tell stories to audiences, I make an effort to watch people on television who are doing the same thing --- you know --- just to make sure I’m in tune with the present generation. I see the people in these television audiences laugh, even though the entertainer on the stage is not saying anything funny. They are simply telling dirty stories that are neither funny nor clever. I don’t know why people laugh, I don’t know how these so-called comedians can sell out huge houses, but I recently learned why this kind of programming warrants time on television. My brother told me he saw a television program called, “They Made Us Laugh.” They showed television programs made in the 1950s that featured Sid Caesar and others who were doing and saying some very funny things. The narrator explained that in the 1950s, television was expensive. Only the most intelligent people had money enough to buy one. Then, when the price dropped and everyone had a TV, they had to lower the programming standards. You’ve hear the term that describes this, but I’m going to repeat again. It is called the Dumbing Down of America.
+
11. If you visit enough stores in Camden, you'll see a book named, "Why Gay Guys are a Girl's Best Friend." How could you argue with that? Anybody who thinks about it at all knows that gay guys are everybody's best friend. Ever see one run up your taxes by sending 8 kids to your school's remedial reading program? Ever have one break your heart by marrying your high school sweetheart or running off with your wife? Seeing that book brought to mind a poem I wrote years ago that summarizes the situation: "Oh what a great world this would be, if all the guys were gay --- but me."
+
12. Friends who know that I am interested in solar power send me articles and I pass along the best ones to you. Ever hear of a solar powered refrigerator? It's a simple yet brilliant invention. Not only is the fridge solar powered, it can also be built from household materials - making it ideal for Third World countries or Maine. Emily Cummins, who is only 21, came up with the idea while working on a school project in her grandfather's potting shed and the fridge is already improving the lives of thousands of poverty-stricken Africans. After her first year at college, she spent five months in Africa, perfecting and demonstrating her product. In Namibia she became known as 'The Fridge Lady'. Miss Cummins returned to the UK to enter a business management course at Leeds University. She had been refused a place on an engineering course because, to her dismay, she didn't have the correct qualifications. And I laugh out loud every time I read that. Here’s a girl who comes up with a fantastic invention and she lacks the correct qualifications to take an engineering course. Makes you wonder if Mozart could get into music school today. Last year Emily Cummins met the Queen at Buckingham Palace after being invited to a prestigious women in business event. Emily Cummins invented a solar fridge and lacked the qualifications to take an engineering course. Check her out on Google.
+
13. Oh, one thing I wondered about for years was -- who would do the dirty manual labor if every person in America earned two MA degrees or a PhD? I just realized that I live with the answer. Marsha has a 4.0 on her MA degree. She loves to scrape paint, scrub floors and wash windows. After spending two days with two radio friends who were B&B guests at our home, I told the Misses that I was surprised that her husband, a brilliant, well-read man, was a rural mailman. She said he had a PhD and gave up teaching at a university to deliver mail. And then there was the brilliant young man on one of the islands who was sent to Harvard by a wealthy neighbor. He came back to the island where my brother saw him happily cutting bushes by the small airport runway. It is only this very minute as I write this, that I realize that after four years of graduate school I, too, came home and mowed fields and bushes on a big tractor for my neighbors. So I suppose it is what you think about when you vote or are working that determines the quality of your life. Although my body was on my tractor, my mind was writing personal ads to be published in the Maine Times. "Ornithologist seeks attractive young woman, willing to sacrifice everything for a few cheep thrills."
+
14. I like the looks of the girl in the ad before she lost 25 pounds of fat in one month.

Tentative Rants for January 11, 2009 The humble Farmer radio program

Rants January 11, 2009
+
1. Imagine how startled you’d be if you just learned that Johnny Cash did not do time in Folsom Prison. Did the fact that I’m probably not the only person who was misled help Johnny Cash sell 90 million records? On the same page on the Internet I also learned that Merle Haggard wrote Okie from Muscogee as a satire. Everybody knows that song, Okie from Muscogee, and it is only now that I realize why I have heard of Merle Haggard. I don’t see how you could not have heard Okie From Muscogee because it was on top of the popularity charts fairly recently --- 1970 or so. I’ll bet you didn’t know that Okie from Muscogee was a satire, either. Listening to songs by Merle Haggard and Johnny Cash, is there really any way to tell?
+
2. It finally happened. This morning my wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, looked at me and said, “Take those filthy pants off right this minute and throw them in the wash.” I had to laugh. I said, “I just put them on fresh two minutes ago right out of the bureau drawer.” You know, I’m not able to do it very often, but this morning I stopped her right dead in her tracks.
+
3. We hear that the economy is in bad shape. And although I don’t have any answers, I might have the same questions as you do. You might remember that Mr. Nixon did better in the polls than Santa Claus when he opened the doors to China and by so doing put us where we are today.

Which is broke.

Three generations ago, the dollar bill you gave to the milkman would pass from hand to hand five or six times before it ever left your village. And then it would circulate a while longer in your county and then move elsewhere in your state. Spend that dollar nowadays in a big box store and within a week it is in China by way of Arkansas. Not one of your neighbors gets to see it.

Thirty five years ago nobody thought to ask what would happen if you and all your neighbors bought everything you could from China at low, low Wal*Mart prices: toys, wood, clothes, dishes, instruments, and now even food.

Yes. If everything we buy in every store in America is made in China does it take an economic genius to figure out what is going to happen to the companies in the USA that made the things we used to buy from them?

Right. They go out of business. And when they go out of business, American workers lose their jobs. Of course, this is no concern of mine or yours because American workers losing their jobs is an abstraction --- we don’t know who these people are, and their wages were probably too high, anyway. But being able to buy things made in China at low, low prices is, for you and me, a concrete and necessary reality.

So China is now the proverbial Company Store. For all practical purposes, China owns most of The United States. And because every day that goes by they get almost every cent that we spend, day by day they own more and more of the United States. To survive, very soon almost every rural family will have to do what their ancestors and put up preserves from a big garden. They will keep a cow, chickens and a few pigs.

How do we avoid this huge, sucking economic black hole? By buying only those products made in the USA so Americans can go back to work? Probably not, because we look for those low, low prices offered only by the Chinese. And there is a good chance that there are no longer on our shelves any products made in the US of A.

So, now we are told that the US economy is in bad shape. The past administration whipped up an unnecessary war that has cost you a trillion or so. And while the war commanded your attention, every business was deregulated or privatized so billions more could be funneled down that rat hole.

But a brighter day is coming, because is not Mr. Obama going to jumpstart a ruined economy with a trillion or so dollars? You’d better hope he gives it all to the bankers, because if you and I get our hands on it, within a week every penny of it will be in China.
+
4. Where do you get your information? Newspapers? Television? Because I can’t afford to buy a newspaper, and because one must carefully consider the source when getting news from television, I just realized that I am turning more and more to the Internet. You know that I already have solar hot water heaters attached to my house and that I am presently building panels that will generate electricity from sunlight. All my bustle and scurry has nothing to do with a burning desire to save the planet. Putting in solar collectors will save me money. So I’m also on a tear to get rid of all the energy hogging appliances in our home. Did you know that the older models of refrigerators gobble electricity and that many of the new ones will pay for themselves in just a couple of years just by being more energy efficient? Of course, you know, too, that over the past 30 years, whenever I’ve learned something interesting, I’ve quickly passed it along to you --- for whatever it’s worth. So, if you are standing, please sit down in the nearest chair and hang on with both hands because I was staggered by what I just read today. While looking on line for an energy efficient refrigerator, I learned, that many of the newer refrigerators will run on next to no electricity at all --- if you never open their doors.
+
5. You might have seen those silly little articles in magazines about dogs and their owners. The premise is that people buy pets that not only reflect their personalities but their physical features. We have also heard that people who live together for 20, 40 or 60 years also tend to resemble each other. I don’t know if this is true, because, wouldn’t you agree that an evaluation of the data would be subjective --- as long as we are talking about outward appearance? But could we not prove that, after a few years of marriage, man and wife do seem to approximate each other in their observable habits? I invite you to participate in the following experiment. To confine the experiment within the parameters of solid science, you will be asked to keep a written record of your bathroom habits for a month. I’m humble at humblefarmer dot com and if you are truly in love and 100 percent compatible I would be surprised if your results differ from mine. Every time over the past 18 years that I have moved toward the bathroom, day or night, for any reason, I have had to stand by the door and wait --- because my wife had the same intentions two seconds before.
+
6. Friends who know that I am interested in solar power send me articles. I immediately pass along the best ones to you. Ever hear of a solar powered refrigerator? It's a simple yet brilliant invention. Not only is the fridge solar powered, it can also be built from household materials - making it ideal for Third World countries or Maine. Emily Cummins, who is only 21, came up with the idea while working on a school project in her grandfather's potting shed and the fridge is already improving the lives of thousands of poverty-stricken Africans. After her first year at college, she spent five months in Africa, perfecting and demonstrating her product. In Namibia she became known as 'The Fridge Lady'. Miss Cummins returned to the UK to start a business management course at Leeds University. She had been refused a place on an engineering course because, to her dismay, she didn't have the correct qualifications. And I laugh out loud every time I read that. Here’s a girl who comes up with a fantastic invention and she lacks the correct qualifications to take an engineering course. Makes you wonder if Mozart could get into music school today. Last year Emily Cummins met the Queen at Buckingham Palace after being invited to a prestigious women in business event. Emily Cummins invented a solar fridge. Check her out on Google.
+
7. My present topic is wishy-washy people. – I think that’s what I want to talk about --- people who can’t make up their minds. Not a day goes by, but what one of your wishy-washy friends stops by in need of something. They probably think that by being satisfied with anything and everything, their friends will think they are easy to get along with. But wishy-washy people make me scream and holler and wave my arms. Last night my friend Alden came in here and asked if he could borrow a rat trap. I said, “Do you want a new rat trap or an old rat trap?” He said, “I don’t care.” Answers like that drive me crazy, because then, I have to either press a friend to the mat in hopes of extracting a definitive answer, or I have to make the decision myself. If I give him a new rat trap, will Alden say that he doesn’t really want to take my only new rat trap and that an old, used rat trap will do as well? And if I give him an old, cherished, family-heirloom type of rat trap, will he think I don’t value him enough to give him a shiny new one? You run into this kind of thing every day --- someone who can never tell you exactly what it is they want. Ask them if they’d like a cup of tea or a cut of coffee, and they’ll say, “Yes.” And then there was Thelonious Monk, rehearsing one his original pieces with a small group. The sax player said, “Hey, --- is that third note in the second bar of the chorus a b or a b flat?” And Monk said, “Yeah, one of those.”
+
8. Here’s a good page if you have an extra hour and want a few laughs:
http://thinkprogress.org/category/raa/ Some of these people are really serious.
+
9. You hear would-be intellectuals putting down television all the time. Their mantra is that there is nothing worth watching on television. Perhaps it is the redneck in me, but I beg to disagree. This morning I saw part of an educational television program that I would describe as nothing short of vital. It explained how I could keep from getting cheated when I bought rolex watches. If you can think of anything you would rather see on television than how to tell a real rolex watch from a counterfeit rolex watch, please tell me what it is. I’m humble at humblefarmer dot com. I’ve heard a lot about rolex watches over the years, but I don’t know what they are and I don’t think I’ve ever seen one. Have you? And please notice that I said I saw part of the program. That’s because I was so busy taking notes so I could tell you about it that I didn’t see how it ended.
+
10. One of my radio friends sends me this: “If you like "young adult" literature, Tangerine, by Edward Bloor is set in a smoky FL subdivision.” What in the world could I have ever said that gave anyone the impression I cared for young adult literature? Let me repeat that so you can hear the sneer in my voice: What in the world could I have ever said that gave anyone the impression I cared for young adult literature? It is true --- I read books that were written for the 13-year-old school girls in Italy, Germany, Sweden, Norway, Denmark, Spain, France and Holland. By definition, a Harlequin Romance written in German is world literature and I peruse this world literature on a daily basis to refine and polish my linguistic skills. Is not a person who can order a hot dog in 9 languages a cosmopolitan on a par with James Bond? F Credis Toe. Geen senap. Because my IQ is low, I will never get to the point where I can absorb the nuances of Voltaire or Cervantes or Thomas Mann or Dante in the original, so I will live out my life trapped on the sixth grade level wherever I go in Europe. Dutch and Swedish are my best languages, but even there I can only understand the most elementary satire and have to have most jokes and the wordplay in advertising explained to me. So, to eliminate the need for any future misunderstanding, I would like, at this time, to state categorically that I consider a Harlequin romance printed in the English language nothing more than trash. To the best of my knowledge I have never read one --- not even to help me read a parallel text in Spanish. I would never, under any circumstances, permit a Harlequin Romance in English to be brought into my home, and, to the best of my knowledge, I don’t have single friend who even knows what they are. Tack ska du har for att listena.
+
11. You have heard me say that I go to exercise class. Three times a week I stand before a television screen in the select company of 30 or ladies who were born around 1925 and swing my arms and stretch my legs for an hour. The last time I looked, I was the only man there. But --- I pass many pot-bellied men of a similar vintage on my way in and out of the building. Most of them are seated or standing near a pool table, where one of the company pokes at a little ball with a stick. Even if you have never played pool, you might remember seeing Jackie Gleason as Minnesota Fats in the movies, which is about all the education anyone needs on pool right there. I never learned how to play pool. The pool hall was 9 miles away in the city of Rockland. It was owned by Phil Sulides who was a good guy. As I recall, there was a chair or chairs in the front of the pool hall where you could get a shoe shine. I can’t remember now why I ever went in there, but I think there were two or three pool tables out back obscured by the amount of cigarette smoke that you would only expect to find at the Elk’s Club today. I was one of those wimpy little kids who never learned how to play baseball, either. Many men would consider my entire childhood a waste. About the only thing I learned as a kid was how to read.
+
12. Last week I caught a rat in a mouse trap. Something ate a hole in an orange that was on the floor by the door and I thought I’d catch whatever it was in a mouse trap. I didn’t think whatever it was could be more than two inches long. But the next night, around 6 o’clock right after supper, I was surprised to see a huge rat, upside down with the trap on top of him, with his nose caught in that mouse trap, right there in the entry way that you might as well call the kitchen floor. How a rat got into the house I have no idea, unless it hopped in when someone left a door open. --- What do you do when you see a live rat with his nose caught in a mousetrap? If you scoop up the whole business, the rat might escape and you’d sleep that night with a rat either running across the bed covers or trying to yank them onto the floor. Being a television person, I quickly set up my video camera and took pictures of the rat while I was trying to figure out what to do. You can well believe that when I posted the film of the entire operation on Blip, which some people call the thinking woman’s YouTube, I heard at once from some animal rights people. Well, now, a week or so later, I’m still hearing about this live rat in a mousetrap and more than one person has called my attention to the havahart trap web page. I commend this havahart web page to your attention the next time there are unwanted rats in your kitchen. All it says is, “Rat Traps. Remove unwanted rats the most humane way!” So --- here you are with the unwanted rat in the little humane havahart cage without a word of advice as to what is expected of you next. Presumably you will not kill the rat, because if that were an option, you might as well have set a snap trap, eliminated an interminable unnecessary wait on death row, and had the unpleasant business over with at once. So --- there should now be no question in your mind as to what you must do when you have taken a rat prisoner. Visit one of your animal rights friends as quickly as possible and let the rat out in their kitchen.

The humble Farmer Rants for December 7, 2008 Radio Show

December 7, 2008 Rants

1. Because I am not going to live forever I went in to see my friend, Lawyer Crandall, about updating my will. Crandall said I had to get an executor I could trust with money. And I said, “When it comes to money you can’t trust anybody.” And Lawyer Crandall said, “It’s a good thing that’s true or I’d be out of business.”
+
2. You have heard me boast --- perhaps on too many occasions --- that I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of cake or a taste of ice cream for over four years. If you are tired of hearing about my adventure in healthy living, you might sympathize with my wife Marsha who prepares my meals. Yes, unless you count honey from my own bees, I’ve had no sweets now for 51 months and as a result I have lost 15 pounds. I am proud that I can not only tie my shoestrings --- I can stand up after I have finished. Then, this morning during exercise class, another benchmark: for the first time in perhaps 30 years, in order to keep my pants from falling down around my knees I had to take in my ancient leather belt one more notch. When I mentioned it to Marsha, she said, “Your belt is stretching.”
+
3. Radio friend Jay down in Topsham who read my comments on working in 1955 writes: “I, too, have started looking at the earliest year that shows up in the little date pop-ups in Web pages. I only sign up when my birth year is available. Otherwise, how will I participate if I don't exist?” Thank you for writing.
+
4. A friend of mine, who lives with his two daughters, told his sister that he was looking for someone special. She said, "I don't know why my brother needs somebody special. He's already got his two kids --- he could round out that little group with anybody for a weekend."
+
5. Brad Terry was rehearsing for a concert with a group of high school kids, and one trumpet player couldn’t get the intro right on Fascinating Rhythm. So when everyone else had left, Brad worked with this kid for two hours, and finally said, “Well, you’ve got it perfect for the concert tomorrow. And the kid said, “I’m not playing the concert. I only came in to help out with the rehearsal.”
+
6. One of my all-time favorite comments came from Mr. Pease, who was my history teacher back when I was an undergraduate at Gorham. On the margin of my essay he wrote: “This is very well written, but you haven’t said anything.” I cherish that remark because almost 50 years ago Mr. Pease saw something that directed the course of my life. Years later when my humor column was carried in dozens of newspapers, I realized that, as Mr. Pease had noticed, I was incapable of original thought but had some small talent when it came to synthesis: that’s a nice way of saying that I was never to be more than an editor for the wit and perception of others. So besides immediately writing down every interesting thing I heard, I also cultivated a coterie of witty friends who filled pages of my notebooks with good things. I adapted these good things for newspapers, the radio, television and the stage. And this is the point of my commentary today. You heard me say that I adapted the comments of my friends. That is, I often had to tweak a story this way or that to get the most out of it. You can be sure that other writers or storytellers have done the same thing for ages. Is this not a sobering point for reflection? No good story is ever quite true. I admit it. I just read that last sentence in a book.
+
7. My friend Winky and I were in the men’s room at a fast food place in Rockland, when Winky hollered at me from the stall, “Any paper towels out there?” I said, “No only one of those air drying machines.” He said, “Can I --- can I have your handkerchief?” I felt in my pocket and said, “Bad news, I forgot to bring one this morning. Winky said, “Have you got two fives for a ten?”
+
8. You might remember me saying a week or so ago that when you get to be my age it is not uncommon to have an old friend stagger up to you in a store or on the street and croak, “My word. I thought you were dead.” I am resigned to this. Two days ago my wife Marsha went out to answer a knock at the door and then hollered, “It’s an old school friend of yours.” I said, “Well, wheel him in.”
+
9. The last time I visited my friend Winky, I noticed that he had a horseshoe nailed over the door in his workshop. I said, “Do you really believe that a horseshoe nailed over the door really brings you luck?” And Winky said, “Of course I don’t believe it. But it brings you luck whether you believe in it or not.”
+
10. My friend Winky has an old piano in his living room. The finish on the piano looks like new but I had to ask Winky why the keys were all yellow. Winky said, “The elephant smoked too much.”
+
11. My friend Winky bought a mess of hens and told me he was going into the chicken business. I asked him if he knew anything about breeding chickens and he said, “No, but the chickens do.”
+
12. St. George, Maine is right infested with artists so I wasn’t surprised to hear that Winky’s daughter had posed nude for an artist all last winter. I asked Winky why in the world he had ever let her do that and he said, “Why not? He had a stove in the studio.”
+
13. My friend Winky was all set to check out of the store with a can of coffee when he looked in his wallet and found it to be empty. But when he looked up he saw his neighbor and said, “Loan me $20 so I can buy this can of coffee.” But, as so often happens with many of us when we don’t write things down, Winky forgot to pay his neighbor the $20. --- Until weeks later when his neighbor called him and asked if there was anything he could get for him while he was in town. Winky said, “Yes, buy me a can of coffee and take it out of that 20 I owe ya.”
+
14. Here’s your wisdom for today: The journey of a thousand miles starts with going back in the house to look for the keys to your truck.

++++++

See humble tell stories on his web page:

http://thehumblefarmer.com/